


Change Of Plans

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, M/M, Michael juggles, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, jeremy has bad parents, kinda angst, slight homophobia, squip isn't mean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22837558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: So I randomly started writing this and I don't hate it so let me know if ya'll want me to continue this or not. I made the squip not a complete dick in this. Also I don't think the squip has a gender. it's kind of a computer so...
Relationships: Christine Canigula/Jeremy Heere, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Comments: 12
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Italicized text is Jeremy thinking at the Squip

He stares in the mirror. He can’t recognize the person staring back at him. This isn’t the person he remembers. The person in the mirror looks confident. He’s strong. It looks wrong. He remembers the face he used to see. He remembers his dorky grin. Now when he smiles, it looks wrong. He looks too perfect. His teeth are straight and too white. He could still see some acne scars and it relieved him to see imperfections. He wanted this but he can’t help but resent the person he’s become. His hair is perfectly styled, not a strand out of place. He looks down at his outfit. It’s not the cardigan and random t-shirt that he was used to. He’s wearing an Eminem t-shirt that doesn’t look right on him. The dark colors contrast with his light skin and make him look even paler. He bites his lip and looks in his eyes. He recognizes them. No matter what happens, nothing can change the way he glances around anxiously when he enters a room. Or how he looks out the window whenever he’s on a long car trip. He will always have a loving look in his eyes whenever he looks at his right arm. He can’t help but remember that day and now he frowns knowing that all of those years were for nothing. He longs to see him one last time. To say goodbye. To thank him for everything. To tell him that it’s not his fault that this is happening. It’s a necessary sacrifice. It seems cruel but he probably won’t remember any of this. He won’t even remember that he used to be a loser. 

“You are sad.” It points out bluntly. He nods glumly and turns away. “This is necessary if you want to achieve your goal.” It reminds him. 

“What if I don’t want to achieve my goal?” He asks aloud. He’s relieved that he’s home alone. 

“I am programmed to help you achieve your goals. There is a ten percent chance that you will fail.” 

“What if...What if I regret it? What if it’s not as good as I think it’ll be? What if it’s too late to turn back?” 

“Do you wish to change your goal?” He walks over to his bed and groans. 

“I don’t know. I don’t like this. I don’t like being an asshole to everyone. I don’t like not seeing him.”   


“Do you still want to be with Christine?” He thinks about it. He doesn't know. Now that he thinks about it, he doesn’t even know her. 

“I-No. I don’t.” he says more firmly than he feels. He misses who he was. 

“Then what is your goal?” 

“I want to be me. I don’t want to be some fake asshole. I want Michael back, I want to play video games.” He explains. 

“Then we need to make some major changes. You should sleep for now. We will begin tomorrow.” He sighs and changes into his pajamas which are sweatpants and a t-shirt. He wasn’t expecting it to accept the new goal so easily.

“It’s my job to improve your life, Jeremy. That means helping you with your goals. Goals change and I calculated and predicted the possibility of you changing your mind. My job is to adapt as you adapt.” It explains. He nods and yawns. Tomorrow is a big day and he’s more excited than he should be to finally talk to Michael. “Sleep tight, slugger.” It says in a fatherly manner and disappears from his bed. 

He wakes up the next morning after a dreamless sleep. He’s more eager than usual to get ready for the day. It usually doesn’t materialize until a couple minutes after he wakes up. He scrolls mindlessly on his phone while he waits. 

“We have to start adjusting today. Do you still wish to change your goal?” He nods, standing up from his bed. “The first step is to change the way you dress. Pick an outfit.” It gestures towards his closet. He gets up and picks out a t-shirt that he hasn’t worn for months. He could imagine it telling him that the horizontal stripes were not ideal, that vertical stripes were thinning. It doesn’t say anything as he slips the shirt on. He puts on a plain pair of jeans and puts on a cardigan. He looks in the mirror and smiles. His hair is ruffled slightly and it brings him a strange sense of comfort. He finally recognizes the face in the mirror. His smile still looks slightly off but he’d work on that. 

He gets to school and Brooke walks up to him and starts to chatter about some movie she saw that weekend. 

“You need to break up with her.” It tells him and he frowns. 

_ Do I have to? _

“Yes. If you do not have feelings for her, you should break up with her.” 

“Brooke?’ He taps her arm nervously. 

“What’s up Jer-bear?” She asks sweetly and smiles. He feels awful but knows it has to be done. He doesn’t know what to say. 

“Repeat after me.” It appears next to Brooke and crosses it’s arms.”I want to break up.” He takes a deep breath. 

“I want to break up.” He says in what he hopes is a confident voice. 

“What? Why?” She says, looking at him with vulnerable eyes. He winces but carries on. 

“I think we should just be friends.” He powers through it. 

“Did I do something wrong?” She asks, tears threatening to spill over. 

“No. It’s not you, it’s me.” He says, sounding like a cheesy rom-com. It nods and he continues. “I’m not in the right mindset for a relationship right now and I hope that we can still be friends.” He recites. “I understand if you don’t want to talk to me right now and I respect that. Bye.” He walks away feeling a strange sense of power. He feels...free. 

He scans the halls, searching for the familiar red hoodie. He starts to fear that he isn’t at school. He tends to skip school if he’s in a bad mood. He usually has first period with him so he walks to his classroom and looks around. He slumps in his seat when he doesn’t find him. 

“I surveyed the security cameras. Michael is not here but he is known to show up late.” It tries to reassure him but he feels a sense of hopelessness wash over him. “If he doesn’t show up later, you can text him or go to his house after school.” 

_ What if he’s mad at me? What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?  _

“He might be upset but he will be willing to hear you out. He misses you.”

_ I don’t know what I did without you.  _

“Me neither.” It says snarkily and he smiles. 


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey tall ass! You look like shit.” Rich walks up to him. He rolls his eyes. 

“Gee, thanks.” He says sarcastically. 

“What’s up with you? You’re acting...different.” 

“Am I?” He doesn’t really feel like dealing with Rich today. 

“Yeah. You seem a lot more lame than usual.” 

“And you seem a lot more….how do you say? Moronic?” Rich glares at him but he can sense his confusion through the outrage. 

“You are on thin fucking ice, Heere.” He just shrugs and walks away, ignoring Rich’s calls to come back. 

“You could have handled that better.” The SQUIP says to him as he walks to the cafeteria. 

_ Oh well. He deserved it.  _

“Yes but now he’s angry. He’s going to try to get back at you.” 

_ Let him.  _

“You are letting your emotions overpower your judgement.”

_ So what? He’s an ass. _

“Yes but if you let your emotions speak for you, you are going to make a dumb decision.” 

_ Aren’t you supposed to stop me from making dumb decisions? _

“That’s what I’m trying to do now.” He rolls his eyes and gets his lunch. Even though he knows that Michael isn’t here, it doesn’t stop him from scanning the cafeteria for him. “Text him. Ask him if he’s okay.” It says.

_ What if he doesn’t answer? _

“You are thinking too much. There is a sixty percent chance that he will answer you.” He sighs and pulls out his phone. He spends a couple minutes figuring out what to say.

Jeremy: hey i noticed you weren’t at school. R u okay?

He sends it before he can overthink it too much. He stares at his phone, waiting for a response. 

“He won’t answer right away.” 

_ You don’t know that _

“I do know that. Eat your lunch.” He rolls his eyes but does as he’s told after making sure his phone is off of Do Not Disturb. He forces himself to take a bite of the cafeteria pizza. It was stiff and the cheese was falling off. 

He almost forgot that he texted Michael so he jumps in his seat when his phone vibrates in his pocket. He pulls it out and reads the notification. His heart skips a beat when he reads who texted him. 

Michael: r u talking to me again now? 

Jeremy: Can I come over after school? I’ll explain everything I promise

Michael: Why should I

Jeremy: Please?

Michael: ...fine. But you better have a good explanation

Jeremy: Thank you! I promise I’ll explain everything!


	3. Chapter 3

He walks the familiar road to Michael’s house and can feel his heart pounding in his chest. Both from excitement and nerves. He’s excited to see his best friend but is nervous that Michael won’t take him back. 

  


“He will. He misses you.” It reassures him. 

  


_ Saying that doesn’t make me any less nervous, you know.  _

  


“You have nothing to worry about.” 

  


_ Easy for you to say _

  


It doesn’t say anything back and he’s grateful. He walks up to the door and takes a deep breath before knocking on it three times. Nothing happens and he almost knocks again but the door opens and Michael is standing there. 

  


“I’m so so sorry.” He says before Michael can stop him. Michael doesn’t say anything and steps aside so he can walk in. 

  


“Is it off? Is that why you’re talking to me?” Michael says in an offhand voice. 

  


“No. I changed my mind. You are so much more important to me than being popular.” 

  


“So it’s on?” Jeremy nods in confusion. What does that have to do with anything?

  


“Why do you still have it? We don’t know what the hell is in that. It could give you permanent brain damage.” Michael says in a surprisingly calm voice. He sounds like he’s trying very hard not to break into tears. It makes Jeremy feel awful. 

  


“Don’t worry about me, Micha.” Jeremy says in a sweet voice and puts his hand on Michael’s shoulder. Michael pulls away. 

  


“What the hell is wrong with you? You think that you can ignore me for months and then change your mind and expect everything to be fine?” Jeremy stands in horror. He’s never heard Michael get that angry before. Especially at him. 

  


“That’s not what I’m saying-” 

  


“You don’t know what that fucked up tic tac is doing in your head! I was talking to a guy on Warcraft and he said his brother had one. Do you know where he is now?” Jeremy can’t tell if this is rhetorical or not so he stays silent. 

  


“He’s in a mental hospital. That could be you!” 

  


“I’m completely fine.” Jeremy tries to argue. 

  


“I mean why is it even here? This is a powerful untested supercomputer. Why is it at a high school in New Jersey?” Jeremy opens his mouth to answer but nothing comes out. 

  


“Speechless? I thought so. You just care about yourself, you know that?”

  


“Wha-that’s not true.” Michael scoffs.

  


“Really?” 

  


“Really. If I only cared about myself, I wouldn’t have come over here.” A decision that Jeremy was slightly regretting. 

  


“You came here because you missed me. I would’ve been completely fine if you didn’t come here at all.” 

  


“Hold on, Michael? When’s the last time you went to school?” Michael turns away. 

  


“Not important.” 

  


“Michael, it is important.” He turns to face Jeremy again. 

  


“Well, what am I supposed to do? Having no friends sucks and I can’t stand seeing everyone at school.” 

  


“You have friends.” 

  


“Oh yeah? Who?” Michael challenges him. 

  


“Well, me.” Jeremy struggles to list. 

  


“Who until today, didn’t even acknowledge my presence.” 

  


“What about that guy Dustin? You hang out with him sometimes.” 

  


“He’s a dick. The only reason I hang out with him is because he gives me free weed if I’m not a jerk to him.” 

  


“Okay well, oh I know! That girl, what’s her name? Nicole? You were dating for a little while, right?” 

  


“It uh...didn’t work out.” Michael was hiding something. Jeremy can tell. He can always tell. He doesn’t think that this is the best time to pry. 

  


“Okay, so maybe you...don’t have any friends,” It breaks Jeremy’s heart to say it. “That doesn’t mean that you skip school!” 

  


“Wait, so you’re allowed to worry about me missing a few days of school but I shouldn’t worry about you having a technological tic tac in your brain, telling you what to do?” 

  


“That’s different.” 

  


“How? How the fuck is it different?” Michael asks. Jeremy can see tears in the corners of his eyes. He wants to hug him, to tell him everything will be alright, but he knows that will make him ever more mad. 

  


“It-it just is, okay?” Michael sits down on the couch and Jeremy joins him. 

  


“I’m so sorry, Micha. I never meant to hurt you.” He says quietly. 

  


“You know, it’s funny.” Michael starts and Jeremy is scared of where this is going. “Before everything started, I...nevermind” 

  


“No, what is it?” 

  


“It’s stupid.” 

  


“And? So am I? I’m probably the stupidest human ever. Look at me, I abandoned my favorite person just to maybe get laid. I’m such an asshole.” 

  


“I-I’m still your f-favowite person?” Michael asks and Jeremy smiles. 

  


“Yeah. You were never not my favorite person.” Michael bites his lip and stares at his hands in his lap. 

  


“I really fuckin’ missed you, Jer.” He says in a small voice and Jeremy can tell that he’s crying. He makes an executive decision and hugs him. He feels his own set of tears threatening to fall. 

  


“I missed you too. I’m sorry.” 

  


“You aren’t too cool for me?” Michael asks when they pull apart. Jeremy wipes a tear of his face. 

  


“Never.” They stare at each other for a couple seconds until the door opens and they jump apart.

  


"Mahal, what did I tell you about leaving the door unlocked?"

  


"To not do that?" Michael responds, his cheeks slightly red. 

  


"Oh, hi Jeremy. So are you two talking again? I told Mike that it was stupid and you guys would make up, didn't I?" 

  


"You told her?" Jeremy asks in disbelief. 

  


"Is that a problem?" Michael asks when his mom disappeared upstairs. 

  


"I guess not. I just don't want your mom in our business, you know?" 

  


"No?" Michael responds with confusion and Jeremy sighs. 

  


"I wouldn't tell my dad about this kind of stuff and I guess it's a little weird how close you are with your mom." 

  


"Well your dad isn't exactly…" Michael pauses, trying to find the right words. 

  


“He isn’t what?” Jeremy asks in a condescending tone. 

  


“He isn’t the easiest person to talk to.” 

  


“Well I’m sorry I don’t have a mom to talk to like you do.” Jeremy says bitterly

  


“Dude!” Michael exclaims in surprise. 

  


“What?” 

  


“You don’t just say that!”

  


“Why not? Do you want me to just pretend everything’s fine? My dad hasn’t put on a pair of pants in months, Michael. I haven’t heard from my mom since it happened. I’m basically raising myself.” 

  


“I know that it’s hard but you don’t have to make me feel like shit just because my parents actually care about me.” Michael says angrily and Jeremy stares at him with wide eyes. 

  


“Fuck you.” Jeremy says and gets up. 

  


“Wait-” Michael tries to make Jeremy stay. He grabs his arm but Jeremy pulls away. “I didn’t mean it!” 

  


“Why don’t you just tell your mom then? You’re good at that.” Jeremy says as he practically slams the door behind him. 

  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy is a sad boi

“That was a disaster.” The SQUIP says to him in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Where the fuck were you?” Jeremy says out loud.

“I thought it was best if you figured everything out on your own. Apparently I was wrong.” 

“Well duh! I mean, what was I supposed to say?” Jeremy walks back to his house. 

“You need to get control of your emotions.” 

“Yeah, well easier said than done.” Jeremy ignores the weird look he gets from a lady walking her dog. 

“Don’t speak out loud.” It scolds him. 

“I’m not in the fucking mood for you.” He spits at it. He feels a sharp pain run down his spine. “Ow! What the fuck?” He jumps, startled. 

“You need to listen, Jeremy. Now think at me unless you wish to be shocked again.”

_ Fine. _

“Good. Now you need to apologize to Michael.” 

_ What? No! He was a total dick! _

“You overreacted.” 

_ How was I supposed to react to him telling me that my parents don’t care about me? _

“I agree that was an insensitive thing for him to say but you could have handled it better.” 

_ Whatever. _

He opens the door to his house, ignoring his dad sleeping on the couch without pants on. He storms up to his room and slams the door. He wants to do something. He wants to release all of this angry energy. He can feel his hands shaking. 

“Take a deep breath.” The SQUIP tells him.

_ Fuck off _

“Jeremy.” It says threateningly, walking towards him. 

“Just leave me alone, okay? Can you get out of my head for one goddamn minute?” Jeremy meant to yell it but it comes out as a whisper instead. The SQUIP stares at him for a few seconds. 

“I will give you a couple minutes to calm down.” It says and then disappears. Jeremy sits on his bed with his head in his hands. He squeezes his eyes shut. He thinks about his parents. Do they care? Would they care if Jeremy just disappeared? His dad hasn’t made an effort to actually talk to him in months. His mom hasn’t tried to contact him at all. Maybe if he called her? Would she pick up? 

Jeremy picks up his phone and dials his mom’s number. It rings three times and there’s a click. She didn’t answer. He tries it again. And again. He feels the tears running down his face. He can’t give up. Maybe she’s just busy. Doing God knows what. He calls again and it rings for longer than before. She picks up! 

“Mom?” He asks in a shaky voice. He would do anything to hear her again. To prove to Michael that at least one of his parent’s cared. There is a couple seconds of silence and Jeremy waits, afraid to breathe. 

“You have reached the voicemail of-” Jeremy frowned. “Deborah Nelson.” That’s her voice! She went back to her maiden name. It beeps, signalling Jeremy to leave a message. He takes a deep breath. 

“Hey m-mom. I know you don’t want to talk to me but I just want to tell you that I miss you and I l-love you. It’s r-really hard,” His voice cracks and a few more tears fall,”without you. You don’t have to talk to dad but please talk to me.” 

He hangs up and falls apart. He wants to believe that his mom will call him back. He wants to believe that she cares about him. There must be some kind of motherly instinct in her that makes her call him. He refuses to believe that his mom could be so...heartless. He thinks back to all the moms he’s seen in sitcoms or kid’s shows. Why can’t his mom be like that? Those moms were always so brave, caring, and would do anything for their kids. His mom runs away from her problems. His mom doesn’t stick around through thick and thin. His mom leaves at the first sign of trouble. Maybe Michael’s right. Maybe his mom doesn’t care. If she cared, she would’ve called. 

“You can come back.” He says shakily and the SQUIP materializes in front of him. “D-does she care?” He asks. 

“No. She does not.” Jeremy stares at the floor. He was expecting it to tell him that she does care and that she’s not good at showing it or some crap. 

“She doesn’t?” Not at all?” Jeremy asks desperately, clinging on to the hope that maybe someone cares.

“No.” Jeremy feels more tears fall down his face. 

“You should not lose hope. Bonds formed by choice are stronger than bonds formed by blood.” It reassures him. 

“I miss her.” He wraps his arms around his chest tightly as if it was possible to give himself a hug. 

“It is not my job to comfort you or coddle your human emotions but I will suggest you go to a friend and discuss your feelings.” 

“I can’t. Michael is the only one who would listen but I don’t wanna talk to him. I have no one to talk to.” 

“Then I suggest you get some food and sleep.” Jeremy nods and wipes his face with his sleeve and goes downstairs. His dad is passed out on the couch as usual and his eyes water slightly. He looks in the fridge and nothing seems remotely appetizing. He ends up eating grapes. He doesn’t eat much of them and puts them back. He drags himself upstairs and almost immediately falls asleep. 

  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bois make up and Jeremy's dad makes an appearence.

Jeremy manages to successfully ignore his problems for a few days. He glares at Michael whenever he sees him in the hallway at school. It feels like he has to force himself to make it through the day. He doesn’t think about doing anything. His brain feels like it’s asleep. It’s working but just barely. He doesn’t sleep. He just spends hours staring at the ceiling, trying not to think. Michael has been texting him non stop. He just ignores him. He doesn’t want to feel. He’s enveloped in a numb feeling that doesn’t seem to stop. 

He makes the mistake of looking in the mirror while getting ready one morning. He actually looks at himself. His hair looks awful. He hasn’t showered in a couple days and it definitely shows. He has bags under his eyes and a pretty bad breakout on his left cheek. He has a dead look in his eyes. He frowns and turns away.

He’s in his room that night and he hears the door open downstairs, He figures it’s his dad coming back from the store or something so he ignores it. He hears someone coming up the stairs and a knock on his bedroom door. 

“What?” He asks in a hoarse voice. Probably because he hasn’t spoken all day. The door opens and it’s his dad. “Dad! Pants!” Jeremy sits up and averts his eyes. 

“What’s been going on with Michael?” His dad asks, ignoring Jeremy’s yells of disgust. 

“First of all, it’s none of your business and second, I’m telling you anything until you put on pants.” 

“You don’t talk to your father like that!” His dad yells. Jeremy flinches but plays it off. 

“When did you decide to get off your ass and be a dad?” he responds snarkily, now looking his father in the face. 

“Listen here, you will not talk to me that way!” 

“I’ll talk to you however I want to.”

“You need to make up with Michael.” His dad says. 

“No I don’t. How do you even know we’re fighting?” 

“His moms told me.” Of course Michael told his moms. 

“Well I’m not saying anything to him. He’s a jerk.” Jeremy crosses his arms and glares at his dad. 

“So you’re not friends anymore? Because of one fight?” 

“You don’t even know what happened.” 

“Well whatever it is, you need to make up. I’m sick of you staying and moping in your room.” His dad says and leaves. His SQUIP materializes. 

_ That was weird. _

“He’s trying to be better. And he’s right. You need to get out of your room and make up with Michael.” 

_ Why are you siding with him?  _

“Because he’s right.”

_ Whatever. If he was really trying to be better, he’d put on pants. _

“One step at a time.” 

_ Sure. I’m going to bed.  _

Jeremy goes to bed and wakes up the next morning feeling more tired than when he went to bed. He avoids his dad all that morning and skips breakfast despite his SQUIP insisting that it’s the most important meal of the day. He walks to school, not wanting to deal with all of the kids on the bus. 

The school day goes how every day that week has gone. The day is somehow so slow and so long at the same time. He sits by himself at lunch. He sees Michael shoot him an apologetic glance and sit by himself somewhere else but pretends he doesn’t notice.

That night he’s in his room alone. How he is everynight and hears footsteps leading up to his door. He groans and sits up. There’s a knock. 

“Go away dad!” He shouts. The door opens and he’s surprised to see Michael there. 

“Oh it’s you. Come to say sorry?” Jeremy says, turning away.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Of course your parents care about you.” Michael closes the door and walks in awkwardly. 

Jeremy scoffs, “No, you were right. They don’t care. It just took you being a dick to help me see it. You know I called my mom four times? She didn’t answer. I don’t know why I was expecting her to.” Michael winces. 

“Maybe she was busy?” Michael offers up, voice raising several octaves. 

“She could’ve called me back. I…I left her a voicemail. I told her how…awful everything has been without her. I told her I missed her and asked-no- _ begged _ her to talk to me….That was days ago. I highly doubt that she’s been so busy doing God knows what that she couldn’t fucking call me back.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know how to make you feel better.” Michael admits.

“I’m not asking for you to make me feel better.” 

“Then what do you want?” 

“I want my mom back. I want to have a normal fucking family. I want to come home from school and for my parents to ask how my day was or lecture me about a grade or something!” 

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you. I can’t give you that.” 

“You think I don’t know that? I know that there’s nothing anyone can do. I just feel so…hopeless.” 

“I know it’s not the same thing but you can always consider my moms your own.” Michael sits next to him and puts an arm around him. 

“I want  _ my _ mom.” He says through tears. 

“I know. I can’t give you that. I just…I don’t like seeing you like this.” 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have to see this. I’m pathetic.” Jeremy cries harder.

“You’re not.” 

“Yes I am. What kind of s-sixteen year old cries cus they miss their m-mommy?” Jeremy somehow manages to sound somewhat sarcastic through his tears.

“This is a completely reasonable thing to be crying about.” Michael attempts to comfort him. 

“Yeah, maybe for a two year old. I’m sorry that I’m like this. You don’t have to stay.” Michael shakes his head. 

“I don’t  _ have _ to do anything. I’m staying because I want to. I care about you, Jeremy. I’m not going to leave.” Jeremy looks up at him. 

“Promise?” He holds out his pinky. It’s stupid and childish but him and Michael still do it everytime they promise each other things. Whether it’s something small and stupid or something serious. Michael gives him a small smile and they link pinkies. 

They spend the whole night talking about everything. They talk about everything from weird dreams they’ve had to Michael admitting that he’s been trying to learn how to juggle. 

“Why?” Jeremy laughs. 

“I don’t know. Maybe if this whole ‘graduate high school and go to college’ thing doesn’t work out, I could be an entertainer. Here, give me something to juggle.” Jeremy rolls his eyes but looks around the room for suitable things to be juggled. He settles on three rolled up socks. He goes to hand them to Michael. 

“Are they clean?” 

“Probably.” He dumps them in Michael’s hand ignoring his face of disgust. 

“Okay, are you ready to be amazed?” Michael asks dramatically with a grin on his face.

“Yes. Now do it before I fall asleep.” Jeremy replies sarcastically. Michael glares at him but his sour face soon disappears when he starts to juggle. He has a look of pure concentration. Jeremy, as much as he hated to admit it, was impressed. Michael juggle for a little while before complaining that his arms were getting tired but insisted that he probably could’ve gone days juggling. 

“So what’d you think? Pretty impressive, right?” 

“So impressive.” Jeremy laughs. Later that night, Michael shares his newest music obsession. 

“You gotta listen to ‘em, man. They’re rad.” Michael insists with a smile. He pulls out his phone and plays some music. 

_ “There is no other one that can take your place _

_ I feel happy inside when I see your face _

_ I hope you believe me _

_ Because I speak sincerely _

_ and I mean it when I tell you I need you”  _

  
  
  


Jeremy smiles and nods along to the song. He feels a sudden surge of appreciation for his best friend. He’s never heard a lyric before that warms his heart as much as that. The songs ends and they look at each other fondly. Jeremy happens to glance at the alarm on his nightstand. 

“Holy fuck. How is it one in the morning?” He asks and as if on cue, yawns. Michael looks behind him at the clock and shrugs.

“Was that a rhetorical question or do you want an answer?” 

“Well I wasn’t originally looking for an answer but I’m kind of curious as to what your answer is.” 

“I was going to go on a rant about the space time continuum and how time is relative and shit but something tells me you don’t want to hear that right now.” Jeremy yawns and shakes his head. 

“Yeah not really. You should probably get home.” Jeremy suggests.

“Probably. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” They wave an awkward goodbye and Michael leaves. Jeremy lays down and falls asleep almost immediately. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Best Friend by Weezer in case anyone was wondering.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is annoying and stuff but thanks you guys for actually motivating me to write. Your support and positive comments mean a lot to me and makes me actually want to write and do stuff. So thanks.
> 
> Also SOCIAL DISTANCING

He sits next to Michael at lunch the next day. Things are a little tense but they both pretend to not notice it. Michael rambles about a documentary he watched about pollution and Jeremy interjects every once in a while to give a sarcastic comment. Things are good. Not great but better than they were the past couple days. They get lost in conversation, not paying attention to the world around them. It’s a surprise when Jeremy feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and tries to suppress a groan. 

“What do you want, Rich?” He can see Michael looking at the ground and trying not to draw too much attention to himself from his peripheral. His SQUIP, which had been pretty much silent since he woke up, appeared. 

“Don’t start a fight.” It warns him. 

_ Yeah, yeah.  _

“I want an apology.” Rich stands and puffs out his chest confidently.

“And I want you to go away.” Jeremy turns back around. 

“I’m talking to you. Now turn around, or else.” Jeremy turns around. 

“Fine, I’m sorry. Can you leave me alone now?” 

“I don’t think that was quite enough.” 

“Then what do you want?” 

“I want the answers to the chemistry homework and a more sincere apology.” Rich demands. 

“Why do you need my answers? Can’t your S-”

“Shut up! Don’t go advertising them everywhere, you idiot. And it’s not about getting the answers.” He whispers. 

“Then what is it about? Establishing dominance or some crap?” Jeremy asks sarcastically. He can’t believe that he used to be scared of Rich.

“Yeah. Pretty much. Now hand over the homework.” Rich holds out his hand. 

_ What am I supposed to do?  _

“His SQUIP is refusing to sync up with yours. It says that your objectives are too different.” The SQUIP mutters to itself. 

_ Well you better figure something out or I’m gonna fail chem or get my ass beat.  _

“Give him the work. You can get a new copy and fill it out before class.” Jeremy sighs but reaches into his bag and hands over the work. 

“Now a sincere apology.” 

“I am so very sorry. Please forgive me?” Jeremy says, trying not to sound sarcastic. Rich seems to accept his apology and walks away with a grimace. 

“What was that about?” Michael asks once Rich is a safe distance away.

“He’s just being a dick. Don’t worry about it.” Jermey brushes him off. 

“What did you have to apologize for?” 

“He was being a jerk the other day and I told him and now he’s mad about it.” 

“What doesn’t he want you advertising everywhere?” 

“SQUIPs. I don’t know why he’s so keen on keeping it a secret. He didn’t seem to have a problem telling me.” 

“He doesn’t want an authority figure to overhear and get him and others in trouble.” His SQUIP interjects. 

“That makes sense.” Jeremy says aloud. 

“What makes sense?” Michael asks. 

“Mine just said that he doesn’t want any ‘authority figures’ to hear and get him in trouble.” 

“Is it here right now?” Michael looks around as if he can see it. 

“Yeah. You can’t see it though.” Jeremy chuckles at his friend's reaction. 

“I don’t get why you still have it. I thought you didn’t want to be popular anymore. Why don’t you just get rid of it?” 

“It’s not causing any harm. Also, I’m not sure if there  _ is  _ a way to get rid of it.” 

“I still don’t like the idea of it watching us.” Michael narrows his eyes at the air. 

“It’s over here.” Jeremy points to his right and Michael turns his glare to the place that Jeremy gestured to. The SQUIP rolls it’s eyes. “I don’t know why it bugs you so much.” 

“What if it’s a tool of the FBI or something? Do you ever wonder why there’s a powerful supercomputer in a high school in New Jersey?” Michael suggested skeptically. 

“You’re overreacting. What would the FBI want with a bunch of high schoolers anyway?” 

“I don’t know. I just don’t like it, okay?” Michael says grumpily. Jeremy doesn’t want to get in another fight so he changes the subject. 

“I saw that there’s gonna be an Apocalypse of the Damned sequel.” He mentions offhand. 

“Wait, really?” Jeremy smiles and Michael seems to forget about their previous conversation. 

-

Jeremy is alone in his room yet again that night. He looks in the mirror and sees that he’s been subconsciously picking at his skin. He needs to stop doing that. 

“Would you like me to urge you not to do it?” 

_ You mean zap me whenever I do it? _

“Unless you have another form of motivation in mind.” 

_ Well I really don’t want to get zapped but I guess if it’s the only way...fine. But not, like, super painful. Just a little zap.  _

“I’ve added a new protocol for it.” 

_ Thanks, I guess? _

“you're welcome.” 

_ What should I do about Michael? I don’t want to keep fighting with him about you. _

“Well I can think of a solution but you won’t like it.” 

_ Just say it _

“You can just tell Michael that you’ve gotten rid of me. He would have no way to prove that you haven’t.”

_ I really don’t want to lie to him. What if he does find out? He’ll be even more upset.  _

“That’s the only solution I can come up with.” 

_ Is there a way to get rid of you? _

“You don’t want to do that, Jeremy.” 

_ Why not? _

“Do you remember your life without me? You don’t want that, do you?” 

_ I guess not. I’ll think about it more in the morning. I’m beat. _

  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Smarphone Hour basically but with more Mr. Reyes and Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this. Also Mr. Reyes is awesome?

“Did you hear about the party?” 

“Yeah. I heard Rich is on life support.” 

“I heard Jake lost both his legs.” 

“Jake was so brave.” 

“I heard the whole block burned down.”

“I heard fifteen people died.” 

“It’s awful what happened to Rich. He was my best friend.” 

“Jenna told Madeline who told Chloe who told me that Jake might never be able to play ultimate frisbee ever again.” 

Everyone in the school knows what happened at Jake’s party. It’s hard to ignore all the whispers in the hallways. Even the less popular kids are gossiping and spreading rumors. The teachers haven’t said anything. The cops are saying it was a gas fire but the students that were there say that Rich started it on purpose. As absurd as it sounds, it makes more sense than a gas fire. Even more strangely, Rich apparently didn’t even have a sip of alcohol. It’s hard to say how credible these sources are but even though everyone has different stories on why, everyone agrees that Rich started it on purpose. Jake and Rich were the only ones that were seriously hurt, despite rumors. No one is allowed to visit them in the hospital. That doesn’t stop people from claiming they did. 

“I visited Jake in the hospital. He’s in really bad shape. The doctors say he only has a few more days to live.” 

“Rich told me that he’s secretly gay and that’s why he set the fire.” 

-

“The show must go on! No matter how many students are hospitalized in the process!” Mr. Reyes is the only teacher that acknowledges their absence. Obviously they can no longer be in the play so they need stand-ins. He says it should motivate the students to work harder to make up for their missing cast members. Jeremy notices that Christine looks upset and remembers that her and Jake were a thing. He walks up to her at rehearsal. 

“It’s a shame what happened to Rich and Jake.” He mentions off hand. Christine looks up at him. 

“Yeah. I thought that Jake and I had something special but I guess we don’t.” She looks back at the ground. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Well, I guess we were never ‘officially together’ but I found out that he slept with Chloe at the party.” She chuckles humorlessly. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. In fact, I’m glad he did it when he did. That way I could finally see what a jerk he is.” Her voice turns bitter. Jeremy’s never seen her this angry and feels scared for Jake whenever he gets out of the hospital. Christine doesn’t seem like the type of girl who would let this go. 

“Do you maybe want to sit with me at lunch? We can talk about rehearsal and stuff.” Jeremy blurts nervously. He thought he was over her but he still feels the butterflies in his stomach when he talks to her. She’s silent for a few seconds and Jeremy almost takes it back. 

“Yeah, that’d be nice.” She smiles and Jeremy’s stomach does a flip. 

“Alright young actors! Hot pocket break is over. Places! We are jumping to act three scene two. You have to be sure to really  _ transform _ into your character. Show me some emotion!” Everyone scrambles to get into place and Christine smiles at Jeremy from across the stage. 

-

“End scene! Nice work Christine! Chloe, your performance was...less than stellar but nevermind that! Shakespeare was once a beginner like yourselves so never lose hope! Those in my drama class should remember to complete the essay on Shakespeare’s influence on modern shows by tomorrow!” Mr. Reyes shouts as everyone leaves. 

“You did a really good job today.” Jeremy says to Christine as they leave the school. 

“Thanks. You did too. I can’t believe you’re already off-book. You seem really dedicated.” 

“Why else would I join?” Christine smiles and walks away, leaving Jeremy very flustered but impressed with himself for not completely screwing it up. Michael picks him up from rehearsal.

“Did the director say anything about Rich and Jake?” Michael asks eagerly when Jeremy gets in the car.

“Yeah. He says that ‘show must go on’ or whatever. Anyway, I talked to Christine.” 

“You did? Without having a panic attack?” Michael teases. 

“Very funny.” Jeremy punches him lightly on the arm. “I actually invited her to sit with me at lunch tomorrow. And she said yes.”    
  


“You mean sit with  _ us _ ? I don’t remember authorizing her to sit with us. You know that it takes days of interviews and challenges, not to mention the five mile obstacle course that includes shark infested waters that she has to complete. And even then, I’ll have to think about it.” 

“I don’t remember going through that.”    
  


“Yeah, well you were one of the founders of the Hell Table. I’m trying to get it copyrighted.” 

“Hell Table?” Jeremy laughs.

“Yeah. It’s a mashup of our last names. Would you prefer the Meere Table?” Michael suggests.

“Why our last names?” 

“Well if we do our first names, our choices are Meremy or Jichael. You know, now that I think about it, Jichael could be kind of badass.” Michael somehow says without laughing.

“Jichael? That’s awful. I guess the Hell Table is the best option. But why does it have to have a name in the first place?” 

“You ask too many questions. It’s now the Jichael Table.”

“No!” Jeremy laughs and slaps Michael’s arm playfully. 

“Hey! Don’t hit me while I’m driving!” 

“So I can hit you when you’re not driving?” 

“No! Don’t hit me ever!” 

They arrive at Jeremy’s house in a fit of laughter. It's a miracle that Michael doesn’t crash. Or should it be a jiracle? 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christine gets initiated into the Hell Table.

“Hi.” Christine walks up to the Hell Table and sits down next to Jeremy. He acts cool but on the inside, he is panicking. 

_ Oh shit. What should I do? Do I shake her hand? Do I compliment her? _

“Calm down. First, you should introduce her to Michael.” The SQUIP attempts to deal with his anxiety. 

_ Good idea. _

“Of course it’s a good idea. I came up with it.” 

_ Wow. That was uncalled for. _

“Uncalled for and correct. Now stop arguing with me and talk to her.” 

_ Right. _

“Um this is my friend, Michael.” He gestures towards his friend. Michael, whose mouth was full of gross cafeteria food, looked up at the mention of his name and smiled. 

“Dude!” Jeremy pushed Michael lightly. Michael swallowed his food. 

“It is a pleasure to meet your acquaintance Ms. Canigula.” Michael does a dramatic bow causing Jeremy to want to punch him and Christine to giggle. 

“Nice to meet you too.” 

“Sorry about him. He’s...weird.” Jeremy says quietly to make up for his friend’s crude behaviour. 

“Rude!” Michael shouts, with his mouth full. 

“It’s fine. He seems really cool.” Jeremy mulls that over in his mind. ‘Cool’ does not seem like the right word for his nerdy best friend. Maybe ‘goofy’ and ‘ easily distracted’ are better descriptions of him. 

“Yeah…” 

“By the way, Ms. Canigula,” Michael interjects once again. Thankfully not with his mouth full. “You are required to complete a set of grueling tasks and challenges if you would like to be seated at the Hell Table.” Jeremy turns to glare at his best friend. 

“Hell Table? Should I be scared?” Christine asks with a smile. 

“No, it’s just a silly name he came up with.” Jeremy tries to sway her to pay attention to him instead but Michael is explaining the origin story of their table name and Jeremy facepalms. 

“Though there is a secondary name that I personally like but Jeremy doesn’t. I was thinking we could combine our first names and I really like Jichael. I feel like it really rolls off the tongue, ya know?” Jeremy is definitely regretting his decision to introduce her to Michael. 

“That’s hilarious.” at least she seems to be enjoying herself. 

“Anyway, Jeremy and I haven’t exactly discussed the grueling tasks and challenges you will have to face if you wish to sit at our holy table.” 

“Michael? Can I talk to you?” Jeremy asks in a polite manner. Too polite.

“Sure. Excuse us.” Jeremy pulls Michael aside, away from the table. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Jeremy asks angrily. 

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re embarrassing me!” He whisper-yells. 

“I’m just talking to her.” 

“You’re basically flirting with her. I brought her so  _ I  _ could talk to her.” 

“You think I’m flirting with her? Are you insane?” Michael asks incredulously. 

“You keep joking around with her and everything.”

“And? I do that with you too. Am I flirting with you?” 

“What? No! That’s ridiculous!” 

“Look, if you’re so embarrassed by me that you don’t want to sit with me, I’ll just sit somewhere else.” Michael says sadly. Jeremy doesn’t notice. 

“Yes! Please!” He says and sighs in relief. Michael glares at him. 

“Fine. I’ll just sit by myself.” 

“Okay.” Jeremy says and walks back to the table. “Sorry about that.” He chuckles nervously. 

“Where did Michael go?” She asks, seeming almost disappointed.

“He...had stuff to do.” he frowns. Is she into Michael? 

“That’s a shame. I can see why you guys are together.” It takes Jeremy a few seconds to figure out what she meant. 

“What? You think we’re-we-re not ‘together’. We’re friends. I’m not into dudes or anything. Just two straight guys hanging out.” Jeremy says way too defensively, his cheeks heating up. 

“Calm down.” The SQUIP reminds him. 

_ How could she even think that? I’ll never have a chance with her if she thinks I’m gay for my best friend. _

“You’ll have an even worse chance with her if you keep insisting that you’re straight.” 

_ I guess you’re right. As always. _

“Oh sorry. I just thought you were. You guys seem really close.” 

“Yeah we’ve just been friends for a long time.” 

“That’s cool.” She says. An awkward silence emcompasses them. 

“Talk to her about the play. Ask her what made her get into theatre. Say something.” The SQUIP tries to save this interaction. 

“So...What made you get into theatre?” He asks sheepishly. Christine’s face lights up. 

“Well it all started when I was in elementary school…” She excitedly explains and Jeremy is content to listen to her light bubbly voice. He nods at all the right places and he finds himself just enjoying her company. “And then, the director tells me that the female lead is in the hospital with appendicitis and he needs  _ me _ to play Juliet and of course I was upset that she was sick but I was also so excited. I obviously had all the lines memorized, as every understudy should, but I was still really nervous because-” She was cut off by the bell ringing. “Thanks for inviting me to sit with you. I had a really good time.” She smiles and Jeremy feels a warmth in his chest. 

“Yeah, it’s no problem. I had a good time too.” He tries to match her enthusiasm. She bounces away, practically skipping and Jeremy watches her with a lazy grin on his face. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9 of Jeremy being an oblivious dumbass.

He goes to Michael’s house after rehearsal, as he often does and walks up to his room. 

“Hey Michael, wanna beat level nine?” He asks and sits next to him on his bed.

“Oh, so  _ now  _ you wanna talk to me?” Michael turns to face him and crosses his arms.

“What are you talking about? Of course I wanna talk to you.” 

“You didn’t earlier. You said I was embarrassing.” It finally dawns on Jeremy why his friend is upset. 

“You were flirting with Christine and being annoying. I had a right to be embarrassed.” 

“I wasn’t flirting! I was just having a good time!” Michael uncrosses his arms.

“You were totally flirting. Luckily she didn’t catch on. She thought that  _ we _ were together.” 

“Dude, first of all, I would never go after someone you’re into, and second, I’m not into her!” 

“Yes you are! I saw you looking at her!” Jeremy shouted angrily. Michael took a deep breath.

“This wasn’t the way I wanted to do this but, Jeremy, I’m gay!” Jeremy was going to come up with a clever retort but he freezes. 

“You-what?” He asks, completely dumbfounded. 

“I’m gay. I’m not into  _ any _ girl, including your precious  _ Christine _ .” he says bitterly. 

“I-You’re being serious?” 

“Dead serious. Look, if you wanna leave, you can. But I’m not after your girl.” Michael says quietly, trying to keep up with the angry facade but nervous of Jeremy’s reaction. 

“You’re lying.” Jeremy says in disbelief. 

“Why the hell would I lie about this?” 

“You’re just saying it so I won’t get mad at you for flirting with Christine.” Michael shakes his head. 

“You are a complete idiot, you know that?” 

“At least I’m not a liar. If you were really gay, you would’ve told me sooner.” Jeremy says, sounding like a stuck-up fourth grader. 

“This is exactly  _ why _ I didn’t tell you. I knew you would get like this. You always do. You can be mad at me for being gay if you want, but don’t try and tell me that I’m lying.” 

“Okay fine, let’s say hypothetically, you are gay. Why didn’t you tell me before? I would tell you if  _ I _ was gay.” Jeremy calms down slightly, still sort of hyperventilating. 

“I was scared. It seems I had a good reason to be.” 

“Do you really think I would hate you or something if you’re gay? That’s ridiculous.” 

“No it’s not. I have very good reasons to think that. Remember last year when you said that we couldn’t ride to school together because that would be gay? And when you told me that I was gay for liking that one Taylor Swift song? The list is endless.” Jeremy frowns. 

“I...I’m sorry that I made you think that. I didn’t really think of this when I said those things.” 

“Yeah, that’s the problem. You don’t think when you say stuff to me.” 

“I’m really sorry Michael. Of course I believe you. Obviously I’m not mad. I was just...surprised. I didn’t mean to react like that.” 

“Well now you know.” Michael says with a closed off expression. 

“I’m sorry I reacted like that. To everything. I should’ve known that you wouldn’t do anything with Christine even if you were...straight.” Jeremy looks down at his lap, not making eye contact. 

“Now everything’s gonna be weird. This is why I didn’t tell you.” Michael seems more mad at himself than at Jeremy.

“No it’s not. Here, do you wanna play Apocalypse?” Jeremy asks, grabbing a controller. Michael pauses, looking at him as he’s waiting for Jeremy to say something or do something to make it weird. “I know I messed up but things don’t have to be different. I don’t care if you’re gay, you’re still my best friend.” Michael gives him a small smile and grabs a controller. 

“Well we don’t have all day. Let’s finally beat level nine!” Jeremy smiles at him and turns on the console. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bois are being cute. Also Jeremy is being his angsty self.

The play is approaching swiftly and Jeremy is nervous. He doesn’t know why. He knows that the SQUIP can feed him all his lines and make sure he doesn’t make a fool of himself but he still has an anxious feeling in his stomach whenever he thinks about it. 

“I will never understand your strange anxiety. It makes no sense.” The SQUIP muses as he walks down the hall to get to rehearsal. 

_ Trust me, I know.  _

With only one week until the play, Jeremy finds himself having no free time. Everyone is running around, trying to make everything perfect. Costumes are being fussed over, everyone is running over their lines constantly just to make sure they have them right. Jake is back from the hospital and is sitting in on everything even though he can’t actually participate with two broken legs. Christine seems to be giving him the cold shoulder much to Jeremy’s delight. It seems that there’s no one in his way. 

“She doesn’t see you as relationship material. She liked Jake because he’s popular. If you were to become popular-” 

_ No. I don’t want to. I can’t lose Michael. _

“If you give her a SQUIP then her needs could be synced up to be compatible with yours.” 

_ You want me to give her one of you? I can’t afford that. I could barely afford you. _

“Not if you go right to the source.” 

_ Right to the-what? We’ll talk more about this later. _

Jeremy’s having trouble concentrating on his conversation with his SQUIP and talking to Mr. Reyes about stage directions. 

“Hey, Jeremy, right?” Jake calls out to him right as he’s about to leave. Jeremy turns around. 

“Yeah…?” He’s confused why Jake would want to talk to him. 

“Do you know why Christine’s acting all pissy with me?” 

“Maybe you should ask her.” Jeremy deflects, not wanting to interfere in their ‘relationship’. 

“I tried but she’s not telling me.” 

“Well I can’t help you.” Jeremy says and walks away, leaving Jake more frustrated than before. 

\--

Christine sitting at their lunch table becomes a daily thing. Jeremy can’t help but get a little jealous when Michael makes her laugh even though he knows he has no reason to be. Michael changes the table name to ‘Helligula’ to include all of their names. Jeremy somehow becomes a third wheel. Michael’s always telling Christine stupid stories that Jeremy’s heard a million times before. They have a good amount of shared interests too, which makes Jeremy feel even worse. He starts to think that they wouldn’t notice if he wasn’t there. 

Michael’s been acting a little strange since his confession. He’s keeping his distance a lot more. He pretty much refuses to touch Jeremy. Not that they touched each other much before but they would hug or high five occasionally. They haven’t in a while and it’s really putting Jeremy off. Is Michael worried that he might misinterpret his touches? Is he still upset with Jeremy? 

Not to mention that midterms are coming up soon and all of the teachers are scrambling to shove the students’ brains with as much knowledge as possible. That means a lot more work. 

“So I was telling him, I don’t care if you give me  _ two  _ hundred dollars, I’m not taking it if you put the toilet paper on the wrong way.” Michael recounts with a smile, causing Christine to giggle. Jeremy glares at him but he doesn’t seem to notice. He huffs and gets up. 

“Where are you going?” Christine touches his arm lightly. Jeremy’s expression softens.

“Bathroom.” He says in a voice that’s too high-pitched for his liking. Christine lets go of him and Jeremy leaves. He goes into the bathroom and locks himself in a stall. 

_ Why is she so into Michael?  _

“She’s not. She just enjoys his company.” 

_ It sure seems like she’s into him. Should I tell her? _

“Telling Christine about your friend’s homosexuality would indeed squash any possibility of her liking him in a romantic way but it would betray Michael’s trust.” 

“Jeremy?” The SQUIP disappears as Michael’s voice rings through the bathroom. 

“Michael?” Jeremy calls back, his voice cracking slightly. 

“Are you okay, you seemed kind of upset.” 

“Not really.” Jeremy says honestly. He decides to be more honest with his friend. 

“Can I come in?” He knocks on the stall lightly. 

“I don’t think we’ll both fit in here.” 

“Then why don’t you come out?” Jeremy takes a deep breath and opens the stall door. “What’s wrong?” 

“I just feel really overwhelmed with everything right now.” Jeremy admits. “The play is coming up, you’ve been acting weird, and midterms are coming. It’s just a lot.” 

“What do you mean, I’ve been acting weird?” 

“You’re being really distant lately. Like you’re scared to touch me or something and it’s...I don’t know. I don’t like it.” 

“I’m just scared that if I hug you or something you’ll get the wrong idea and think I’m into you or something and it might be weird.” Michael says. 

“You don’t have to be scared. I won’t think it’s weird or anything.” Jeremy says quietly, looking at the ground. It’s been a while since he’s had a hug and he wants to ask Michael but a small part of his brain is telling him not to. 

“I’m sorry I thought that. Hey, maybe I can help you go over lines for the play or help you study for midterms, so you won’t feel so stressed.” Jeremy looks up at his friend and feels a strong rush of affection for him. 

“You would do that?” Jeremy asks timidly.

“Of course. That’s what friends are for.” Jeremy ignores the small part in his brain and gives Michael a hug. Michael seems surprised but hugs back nonetheless. “Is that all that’s been bothering you?” 

“Pretty much. Thanks a lot for this. I really needed it.” They pull apart. Jeremy decides not to tell Michael about his jealousy. He doesn’t want to start another fight. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The play!
> 
> Also TW for panic attack

It’s opening night and Jeremy is full on freaking out. He wonders if it’s too late to back out. He doesn’t want to be on a stage in front of a bunch of people. Even if it’s impossible for him to screw up with the SQUIP, he doesn’t like the idea of a bunch of people staring at him. Michael notices his nerves and tries to calm him down. 

“You’re gonna do great. You have all your lines down, and, if you mess up a little bit, no one’s gonna notice. You definitely won’t be the only one. I’ll be in the audience so you can just find me if you’re scared.” Michael pats him on the back. 

“I don’t know. I don’t want a bunch of people staring at me.” He admits. 

“That’s part of show biz. Just don’t worry about it. And, after the show we can go back to my place and celebrate.” Michael smiles and Jeremy weakly returns it. 

“Thanks, I feel a little better now.” 

\--

It’s fifteen minutes to curtain and everyone is freaking out. Chloe lost her favorite hair brush so she’s tearing through all the props to find it. Mr. Reyes is trying to keep everyone calm by yelling over everything and it’s not working. Jeremy is trying to get into his costume but he’s having trouble with it. Jake is sitting out of the way, witnessing all of the madness, probably glad that he’s not a part of it. He notices Christine reading over her script one more time. He hears the light chatter of the audience. He gets a text from Michael telling him to break a leg. Mr. Reyes notices him struggling with the costume and helps. 

“Okay, places for act one, scene one.” Jeremy takes a deep breath and feels relieved that he doesn’t go one stage until later in the scene. 

When he first walks onto the stage, he’s met with the bright hot lights and he can barely even see the audience at first. He blinks a few times and waits for his line. It registers in his brain that everyone is terrible. Chloe keeps forgetting her lines and Jenna’s dialogue doesn’t sound natural at all. It’s finally time for Jeremy’s line and he prays to every god in the universe that he doesn’t mess it up somehow. He feels lightheaded. He wonders how much everyone would hate him if he just runs off the stage. 

“ _ You have her father's love, Demetrius; _

_ Let me have Hermia's: do you marry him. _ ” His voice sounds a little weak but he gets it out. He can hear Michael cheering and he smiles a bit. 

\--

After the show is over, Jeremy gets changed and walks off of the stage. Michael is the first one to greet him. 

“You did so good! You had nothing to worry about!” He gives him a high five. 

“Thanks. Oh, hey Christine.” He catches her walking past. She stops. “Uh you did a really good job.” He says. His voice is a little hoarse. 

“Thanks. You did good too.” She kisses him on the cheek and his knees suddenly feel weak. His face flushes and he hopes that no one notices. He watches her walk away.

“You wanna go back to my place and celebrate?” Michael nudges him, knocking him out of whatever trance he was in. 

“Oh uh, sure.” He nods, not looking at him.

“Let’s go.” He grabs Jeremy's arm and they leave. 

\--

The ride to Michae’s house doesn’t register in his brain. He’s still trying to process the entire night. He feels like it was so long ago. The entire show is kind of a blur to him. He feels fuzzy, like it didn’t actually happen. There are certain moments that stand out to him. Christine’s first line, the curtain falling between acts, and Chloe’s costume malfunctioning. He hears a door slam and jumps. 

“Are you okay?” Michael asks him. 

“I think so. I just feel kind of weird.” 

“What kind of weird? Are you sick or something?” He opens the car door for Jeremy and looks concerned. Jeremy suddenly feels a little nauseous but that could have to do with the fact that he hasn’t eaten anything all day. 

“I don’t think so. I just feel...the whole play was kind of surreal y'know? It’s weird cuz I can’t seem to remember most of it. Maybe it was just because I was so focused on not messing up the whole time. I don’t know.” He admits and Michael looks at him oddly. 

“okay...I’m not gonna pretend to know what you’re talking about.” Jeremy huffs, wanting to be able to describe how he feels but not finding the right words. He wants Michael to understand. 

“I feel like I mentally checked out during the whole thing. Now I feel weird because that was a big moment in my life and it happened less than an hour ago, and I can’t even remember what happened.” He feels kind of upset. He’s frustrated and wants Michael to understand but he’s not getting it and his stomach is yelling at him to eat and he still has a headache from the lights and the noise. He’s ridiculously tired and it registers in his mind that he can’t breathe and Michael is freaking out which makes Jeremy freak out more. His phone buzzes in his pocket and it’s bordering on sensory overload. Michael puts his hand on his shoulder and Jeremy backs away frantically, trying to figure out why Michael’s touching him. He’s trying to calm Jeremy down but his soft voice is just translating into more noise and he doesn’t even know why he’s freaking out. The pounding in his head is getting worse and he can’t tell if he’s breathing or not. He can hear other cars zooming down the street in front of Michael’s house. The lights are blurs. 

“Jeremy? It’s okay, you’re okay.” 

“It’s so loud.” He covers his ears to try to block out the sounds all around him but they’re just muffled. He feels like he’s underwater. Everything is slightly blurry and muffled and it doesn’t occur to him that he’s not even wet so it’s impossible for him to be underwater. His chest feels heavy and he feels like he’s drowning.

“What’s loud?” Michael’s voice breaks through the water surrounding him. 

“Everything. It hurts.” His brain is spinning and it doesn’t help with the headache. His phone is buzzing more in his pocket and he jumps. 

“Do you want me to call someone? Should I do something?” 

“I don’t know!” Jeremy yells and it doesn’t sound like his voice. It sounds like a poorly made copy of his voice. He tenses up, making it harder to breathe. He’s focusing on everything at once. He can hear the leather seats beneath him, squeaking slightly from his struggling, he can see the panic in Michael’s eyes behind his glasses, he hears his own ragged breathing. There are birds chirping in the distance. He closes his eyes, trying to get everything to go away. His own thoughts are getting louder.  _ Michael probably hates you. He doesn’t want to deal with you having a panic attack like a baby. Pull yourself together.  _ All of his thoughts are jumbled together so he can’t focus on one. 

“Stop!” He yells at everything. “Just stop!” 

“Stop what? Jeremy, you’re scaring me.” Michael’s voice sounds weak.

“It’s so loud. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. Make it stop.” He whimpers and pulls his legs close to his chest. It’s not comfortable in the slightest and it puts more pressure on his chest but it gives him something to focus on. 

“I want to. I want to make it stop but you have to tell me how.” 

“I don’t know! I’m scared.” 

“Just try to take a deep breath for me, okay?” Jeremy tries to focus on Michael’s smooth, familiar voice. He wants to listen, he really does, but all the other sounds keep coming back. He tries to think of his chest rising and falling rapidly. He tries to slow it down but can’t figure out how. 

“I don’t know how! It’s so hard.” 

“I know but I need you to try. Just breathe with me, in and out.” Michael cautiously reaches for one of his hands, causing Jeremy to jump but he doesn’t struggle. His eyes are still screwed shut and he feels the soft fabric of Michael’s sweatshirt. He feels the steady rising and falling of his chest. He wants to match it. He touches his own chest and feels it going much faster. He tries to get his breathing under control. Michael’s firm but gentle grip on his wrist grounds him slightly. “Just focus on me, okay? Nothing else matters.” 

He repeats Michael’s words under his breath over and over like a mantra.  _ Nothing else matters. Nothing else matters.  _ He slowly opens his eyes and looks at him. His eyes look worried. He traces all of his features with his eyes. He brings his other hand to grip Michael’s arm. His own chest is finally slowing down and Michael is whispering words of comfort. The voice is familiar. It fills him with a sense of home. 

His breathing is finally at a somewhat normal rate and he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning anymore. He puts his legs down. 

“Are you okay?” 

“I think so.” He responds and his voice is quiet and small. 

“What happened? Did I say something?” 

  
I don’t know. I just started freaking out and I couldn’t stop. I’m sorry.” His hand is still on Michael’s chest and he knows this. It’s comforting in a way. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for. Let’s go inside and lay down, okay?” Michael’s voice is gentle and soft. 

“I’m hungry.” It comes out as a whine. He doesn’t move and Michael gently pulls him out of the car by his hand. 

“Okay, we’ll eat something. Do you want mac and cheese?” Jeremy nodded as he got up. Michael went to let go of his hand but Jeremy grabbed it tighter. His legs felt weak and Michael’s soft hand in his is probably the only thing stopping him from falling over. Michael opens the door and it creaks, causing Jeremy to tighten his grip. “It’s okay. Just a door.” 

The door shuts louder than they were expecting and Jeremy jumps slightly. Michael rubs calming circles on the back of his hand. They go into the kitchen and Michael explains that he has to make the food and they can’t be holding hands when he does that. He nods silently and sits at the table, watching Michael make the mac and cheese. His stomach rumbles loudly and he tries to ignore it. His head is still pounding. 

“Michael? Can I have some tylenol?” He asks quietly. 

“Not right now. You can take it after you eat. You shouldn’t take tylenol on an empty stomach.” Jeremy considers whining or getting up to get it anyway but his brain isn’t letting him do more than what’s necessary to function. He’s sure that if he stood up, his body would collapse. Michael sits with him while he’s waiting for the water to boil and holds his hand. They sit in comfortable silence for a little while. 

After they’re done eating and Jeremy’s taken tylenol, they go upstairs to Michael’s room. They’re still holding hands but neither of them mention it. Jeremy leans into his side and rests his head on his shoulder. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He feels like for the first time in forever, he’s not freaking out or worrying about something. He can finally just relax and feel Michael’s warm body pressed against his. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy finally sucks it up and asks out a special someone.

Midterms are approaching. Michael offered to help Jeremy study so they spend almost everyday after school doing that. Well, they say they’re studying but it’s mainly them getting distracted but since their books are open, they consider it productive. There’s an intention of studying. They’re at Jeremy’s house and Michael’s talking about a documentary he saw and Jeremy’s listening. They’re sitting on the floor, surrounded by books and papers. 

“...and apparently in world war ll, America tried to train bats to fight for us. It was insane-” Jeremy nods along to what he’s saying and reaches for his hand. Michael stops talking and looks at him. “What are you doing?” 

Jeremy’s brain short circuits. “What do you mean? I’m just holding your hand.” 

“Why?” 

“B-because I want to? Do you not want me to? I can stop if it makes you uncomfortable or something-” He starts to ramble and drops Michael’s hand. 

“Calm down, I don’t have a problem with it. I’m just curious why. I’m pretty sure that it’s not normal for friends to hold hands.” 

“I don’t know. It calms me down and your hand is nice and warm. I’m sorry.” His face flushes and he looks down at his lap. 

“You don’t have to be sorry. You can hold my hand if you want to.” Jeremy looks up and debates whether he should grab his hand again. His own hand is cold and he knows that Michael’s hand would make him feel a lot better. Before he can make a decision, Michael holds his hand. “It’s okay. I didn’t mean to freak you out.” Jeremy nods and Michael continues talking about the documentary. Jeremy smiles to himself as he listens. 

\---

Jeremy finds himself reaching for Michael’s hand when he’s stressed or just not in a good mood. He just grabs Michael’s hand and they stay like that for a while. It’s oddly comforting. Michael’s hands are big, warm, and soft. Pretty much the opposite of his own. His hands are bony and cold. Michael doesn’t seem to mind. He never says anything about it. Jeremy always makes sure that no one else sees. He doesn’t need more people to think they’re going out. He especially doesn’t do it around Christine. It’s mainly when they’re hanging out at each other’s houses. Jeremy just reaches for Michael’s hand and they don’t say anything. Oftentimes, it’s when one of them is talking. He’ll just reach out and grab it. 

Jeremy finds himself getting distracted a lot more often by Michael. Usually he’s not even talking to him. They’ll be across the room from each other and Michael will be writing notes or something and Jeremy can’t help himself from staring. It’s not weird. He just notices the way that Michael chews on the eraser when he’s thinking or how his eyes flicker towards the clock when the teacher isn’t looking. He notices that he knows the answer but never raises his hand in class when the teacher asks a question and seems frustrated when other kids don’t know the answer. He taps his foot when the teacher is taking forever to explain something and whenever partners are an option, he looks immediately at Jeremy with a smile. Sometimes he’ll notice Michael randomly looking at him and he always averts his eyes to pretend like he wasn’t looking. 

“So it looks like we just have to figure out the measure of this angle and then times it by X,” Michael explains. They’re in math class and to be honest, Jeremy hasn’t been paying attention the whole class. He hums in confirmation, pretending like he knows what Michael is explaining but he’s not actually listening. He’s lost in his own thoughts. He sees Michael writing something down in his notes and he’s aware that he should do the same but he doesn’t.

“Jeremy?” Michael waves his hand in front of his face. Jeremy shakes his head and is brought back to reality. 

“Huh?” 

“Are you okay?” Jeremy nods maybe a little too aggressively. 

“Yeah. I just zoned out for a bit.” Michael doesn’t look convinced and grabs Jeremy’s hand under the table. 

\---

“Are you going to make a move with Christine?” The SQUIP asks him one evening. 

_ Yes. Eventually. _

“Lately you seem distracted by Michael. This is why I originally blocked him from your field of vision.” 

_ I am not distracted. He’s my friend.  _

“Those facts are not mutually exclusive.”

  
_ What are you implying? _

“I’m not implying anything. I’m just concerned about the increase in physical contact and how he has taken over your thoughts lately.” 

_ Just because we hold hands and I think about him a lot doesn’t mean anything. I’m straight! _

“I am not confirming nor denying this. If you would like to make a move on Christine it should be sooner rather than later.” 

_ I’ll do it. _

“That’s a blatant lie.” 

_ No it’s not! I will ask out Christine.  _

“You can’t lie to me, I’m inside your brain.” 

_ I’ll do it tomorrow. _

“I will hold you to that, just so you know.” 

\---

“Hey Christine?” Jeremy asks her at lunch the next day. 

“What’s up?” She turns to face him. He feels his heart beating in his chest. He can do this. 

“Um, w-would you maybe want to go on a date? With me?” Christine doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. 

“Yeah. I’d love to go on a date with you.” she answers sweetly. 

“Really?” Jeremy can’t believe his ears. 

“Yeah.” They spend the rest of lunch planning out where they’re going and when.

“Michael?” Jeremy talks to his friend once Christine leaves. “Can you believe it? She said yes!” 

“Congrats.” Michael says with little enthusiasm. Jeremy doesn’t notice. 

“Thanks!” 


End file.
